Motherhood can be extremely frustrating. I love Cole with all my heart and I want the very best for him, and that's when the self doubt comes pouring in. There are no clear cut answers out there, no instruction manual, and everyone has a different opinion. I try to remember that the only opinions that really matter are mine and Rob's, sometimes that's not so easy.
I'm finding myself floundering lately with the choices we have made for him. We tried a potty training experiment earlier this week, that was pretty much a disaster. He cried a few times, I cried a few times. He's asked to sit on the potty twice since with teeny results, all to get a few M&Ms, I suspect. He's not ready. Or, at least, I don't think he is. Maybe he is and I'm not approaching it the right way? He's over 3, he should be ready, right?
And then there's his napping situation. He really hasn't napped much in well over a month. I have a kiddo that sleeps late (by three-year-old standards), even when he goes to bed early. His usual wake up time is around 8 AM and he goes to bed around 8:30 PM when he doesn't nap. When he doesn't nap, he can be whiny, and often complains that he's tired. When he does nap, he can't fall asleep at night until sometimes 11 PM, and then his whole schedule is out of whack for the next day. It's difficult to know what to do here, we've been going without the nap because it keeps us more on a schedule and I just deal with the tiredness, but then he's grumpy when Rob gets home and he doesn't get to spend much time with him because he has to go to bed earlier.
Finally, there's this pregnancy. When I was pregnant with Cole, I felt very connected to him from the start. There was a lot of joy and excitement. With this pregnancy, I can use words like "grateful" and "relieved" to describe how I feel, but the joy and excitement are not there. I don't feel connected at all, and as a result, I feel pretty guilty. My baby girl is getting shortchanged in some way. I suspect that a lot of these emotions are due to the infertility. The fear that something can still go horribly wrong. When you spend 2 years suffering disappointment after disappointment, it's hard to let it go. I'm just wondering if it ever goes away.
Anyway, if you got this far, thank you. I'm not looking for comments, and I probably won't publish any that are sent on this post. I just needed to get it out, because that makes me feel better. I know I'm a pretty decent Mom, and I'm struggling with things that all Mom's do. Rob came home the other day (after the potty training disaster) to me in tears and he just said to me, "Look at him. He's not broken!". He's right, of course, he's definitely not broken, and neither am I.
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8 comments:
It's totally normal not to feel connected during pregnancy. It's almost impossible. I was disappointed when I didn't feel that same bond with the 2nd two kiddos. In the end, when the baby is born a connection will be there. It will be strong. As strong as Cole's, maybe even stronger. I always wondered how a mom could have enough love for all her children. She does. It just happens. I could love 17 more. But I won't... I am done!
Potty training sucks no matter what the age. It'll happen. I wouldn't worry too much about it!
I'm so with you on the sleep and the potty training. Kate's getting there with the potty, but she is darn stubborn about it at times. It helps me to remember that being fully potty trained at 2 is not necessarily the norm.
We gave up on naps. It's too much of a hassle to try and get her to sleep, and if she does fall asleep it's too late and she's up all night. Just not worth it.
I think age 3 is really not that easy.
As far as your baby girl ... I know where you're coming from. After dealing with infertility you just don't take anything for granted, and you definitely lose your innocence when it comes to pregnancy.
I remember wanting to be happy and excited, and sometimes I was, but more often I worried and couldn't believe that it would actually happen. I was almost tempted to not even get a room ready or get any things, just so I wouldn't have spent the money in case it would still go wrong.
Even after she was born it was hard to have faith that she was really there, and that it was really okay now. The fact that she was really small and had some issues at birth didn't really help.
When she's here, and when you finally with be able to wholeheartedly and freely love your little girl in your arms, it'll all be worth it. She'll know she was always loved and wanted so very much.
Hugs Tara.
Oh Sweetie!!! You aren't doing anything wrong. It's just frustrating to be a mom, especially a SAHM. You are a GREAT mom and Cole is far from broken. He's a great little boy. I understand how you're feeling. Sometimes I just want to (and do) scream because I get so upset with how things work in our home, kid-wise.
Although I haven't had infertility issues, I didn't feel the same with my 2nd pregnancy either. Remember I told you how I cried all the way home from my ultrasound because I didn't want a boy? I didn't feel connected to this little guy until he was born. And then I started to feel guilty because I felt more connected to him that to my daughter.
It's a battle, motherhood. Good thing we're all in it together. (((HUGS)))
(No need to publish, I just couldn't NOT comment.)
You should know that I, of all people would have something to say. Number 1, you and Rob are great, wonderful, loving parents. Cole is a happy, healthy little boy. Those are 2 HUGE factors, and there are really few things that are as important as that. Potty training has to be one of the most difficult and frustrating exercises in the world. I found that girls are much easier than boys to potty train. I wish I had an easy answer for that one. I did read something awhile back by Dr. Phil (I know, I know) about potty training that made a lot of sense. Maybe you can look it up somewhere. It's also one of those things that everyone has an opinion on. I think you just have to go with your gut. You know Cole and yourself better than anyone else. Try not to get frustrated (easy for me to say)
As far as the napping, I don't know if you remember, but your sister is, and always was, a 12 hour sleeper and a night owl. Maybe he is just better at getting all of his sleep all in one shot rather than in two. It probably isn't quite as bad as you think it is, but you are tired and need that break in the middle of the day. Not only are you going all day long with a 3 year old, but you are pregnant in the middle of BFE IOWA for God's sake. (By the way, I am in a major funk too, don't know if it is my SAD or what)
Or the time of year, blah, blah, blah.
OK now the baby deal....you have to remember that when you were pregnant with Cole, you had nothing else to think about other than the pregnancy. Also, the first one is sooooo exciting and you are reading everything to be found about pregnancy. Now, you are an old pro, have a 3 year old who you are trying to potty train, and have lots of other things on your mind. I think that there is also that nagging worry in the back of your mind that something might go wrong. I think that the tendency is to not get too excited incase something does go wrong. Don't think that when that little girl comes you will love her any less or be less of a mother. Each child is different and the way you raise each child will be different. I think that grateful and relieved are certainly feelings that are normal in this situation. You will be thrilled when she is born and you see that she has all the necessary parts in the right place. With Cole, you didn't have to worry about anything. There were no "what ifs" to worry about other than the normal concerns that a pregnant woman has. This baby has so much time, energy, fear, pain and disappointment, etc. attached to her conception that it is hard to feel comfortable until you have proof that all is well. Personally, I think that what you are feeling is perfectly natural in this situation. Stop doubting yourself and beating yourself up. Things will work out, they always do. Some day you will look back at this and laugh,ha ha. Nothing like potty training to make you feel great about your mothering skills.
Love,
Mommasita
I just wanted you to know I felt the same way about my pregnancy with Vannah. I was so busy with Mason that I didn't HAVE the time to enjoy and relish in the fact that I was having another baby...and how blessed I was. I was busy trying to raise the one that was already around. I remember having the convo with my mom about not knowing how I can love another baby and feeling so guilty about taking my attention away from Mason etc. It all works out. Your baby girl doesn't think you love her any less...and she will know the love you, Rob and Cole have for her because she will be surrounded by it the minute she's born!
HUGS to you!
Hang in there on the potty training thing too. I know how you feel. He'll just one day make a decision that he's done with pull ups and it'll be done.
Tara, a big hug for you. I think all of the doubts you have mentioned are doubts that all mothers share, at least I know I do. It is so hard to know if what we are doing is "right". But since I know you are acting with love, I know you are doing it exactly right. The fact that you question yourself shows that you care about Cole and want the best for him. That said, trust yourself. Everything will fall into place. We want throught the nap/no nap transition too, and it is tough. I don't have any great advice, but hang in there.
I too felt less connected with my second pregnancy, and I think that is also the norm. You have wonderful Cole to keep you hopping, there is just less time to sit, belly rub, and daydream about the miracle inside. I promise, when she is born, you will be so delighted to see her, and so in love. Second babies are different. You know more, you doubt less. There is a little BPS size spot in your heart waiting to be filled on her arrival. Don't beat yourself up, you have been through a lot in your journey to have her join your family. Hugs, Tara.
Thank you, everyone, who sent me very kind and loving words. I have such wonderful friends and family!
You are a wonderful mom...the very fact that you question your parenting proves it. Cole and baby Pumkin Spice have a Mom who isn't afraid to face challenges and change directions if need be. I know what you mean about feeling somewhat disconnected with the baby. I suffered multiple m/c's before finally having Sam and also between each of my kids. I was never able to really relax and enjoy any of my pregnancies b/c I was always a little worried something would still go wrong. But that being said, I still have a very strong bond with my kids. And so will you. ((HUGS))
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